It is late at night, or maybe early in the morning. I guess it all depends on your point of view. I feel totally wrecked. I had some errands to run today and as I stood in line in one of the stores I heard something that my brain is still refusing to process.
One of the women told all who would listen about a suicide she has witnessed. A young man has jumped out of the window. He was just married. As in two days before.
I am so numb.
And no, I am not usually that sensitive to the tragedies. But this one got me. How dark and scary and horrible the place this poor young man was. I am not willing to speculate “Why?”. Lots of people will do it. At this time I am thinking about him, and the horror and pain, real or imagined, that pushed him to do this. I am thinking about his parents. You carry the child for many month, give birth and watch him grow. You laugh at the funny things he does, cry when he is in pain and pray over his future. And then…
I remember when as a teen I have flirted with the idea of suicide. We discussed it with friends over cheap wine and were quite taken by the romance of “cutting all the boundaries and setting ourselves free”. And then I was somewhere with my Father and he pointed out to me his coworker, who was pushing a wheelchair. In it was a girl about my age. My Dad told me that she jumped out of forth floor window, but survived. Unfortunately her spine was crushed. She would be in that wheelchair forever. This story cured me fast of any romantic notions.
I am thinking about my kids. Please, G-d, spare them this kind of pain. Please give us, me and DH wisdom to see and feel if our child ever enters this dark place. And give us a way to help them and ourselves.