Yep. My 18 year old baby bought a car.
He just told me.
He is very happy. And me? I am ambivalent. So I am knitting.
I want to be happy for him. I said all the right words when he told me about it. And asked all the right questions – insurance, registration, four wheels – yes to all.
I want to be happy and yet…
I am terrified at the idea of him, on his own behind the wheel in the crazy Israeli traffic…
And feel heart that he did not discuss this with me and DH before he bought it.
I feel shocked to the core that my baby boy is old enough to…
Oh, G-d, but I guess he is…
Army certainly thinks he is old enough to join. But that is not something I am willing to think about tonight.
Other people see my Son as an adult. And all I see is a skinny little kid, too tough to admit that he got beat up and it hearts…
I am not sure that I am brave enough to post this. This is not how I expected to feel at this point of his life. But then I have never before been a parent to an 18 year old. It is all new for me.
This has really brought home to me how much have my life changed in the last six months. Two weeks ago I turned 45. We are now a family with four teenagers and no babies…
Sometimes this means that my home is too full.
Sometimes – too empty.
Six months ago I thought that I will have a baby in my hands at this time. G-d had other plans. And there is no baby. Thankfully my hands are not empty, so I should not complain. And I do not. Because after all wishes are not complains.
Tomorrow my Son is coming home with his new car. I am going to try to be very happy and positive.
Tonight… Tonight I will cry in front of computer and let the words come. Words I am not going to say to him. Ever.
“I wish you were not in such a hurry to grow up. We are not ready yet.”
Tonight I will knit. I will let the yarn flow through my fingers and remember, and dream.
P.S. As you see, I have decided to publish this after all. Please forgive mistakes, I was not brave enough to re-read it before posting.